Relapse Cookie

I don't like it anymore. The same things. Every single day. Wake up, go class, go back. Mix some with work, assignment, sleep and etc. Nothing surprises me anymore. Same only. Need to get out of here. I'm to used having a car. Or at least drive. I miss driving. Not just my car. ANY car would be fine. And yes. I miss having friends that always have randomness in their head or at least entertains me whenever I'm with them. Tried football and basketball the other day. It was okay. Rainy season is not good for my health. Been sick. Showering in the rain of course. My bad. I am actually alone most of the time. On purpose. Just get away from people. Is that bad? Dunno oso lar. Its good anyway. I could focus on study. Not there is anything else to do pun.

An emotionaly disturbed cookie

Point there. Not that this is what I was feeling. It was what I was thinking when I think of the old me. Trying to be who I really am? Sounds logical. No arguments there. But like I said. Just thinking bout the past. Something to ramble and to purge out from my system. I would say that now I'm a total different man. Still an optimist though. But no more dreams, hopes or anything unreal. Except God of course. Other than that, I believe it when I see it. I think what I want to think.

But everyone knows that I have a problem to react according to my own emotions.
When I'm angry, I might laugh
When I'm happy, I might cry
When I'm emo, I do not know how to do that.
So it's a little hard for me to do that. I find it amazing that they can just laugh when they feel like it, curse to others cause they are angry and simply cry because something terrible has happened. To be honest, something did happen. A family member of mine passed away. We aren't close but he is just 2 year older than me. Engaged and successful. It strike me in a way I do not understand.I mean, I'm just lost at words right now. I even began to wander around, walking with umbrella on my hand, journey past the rain, to absolute no where. Thinking if I actually die right now, in this minute, would anyone be genuinely sad or care? True that if i die, I die alone. I just do not know what I'm thinking now. Just at a dark dark place right now. How did I even get here in the 1st place? Did the things happening around me changes me? I do not remember being angry all the time. I do not remember the time where I always be with my close friends and not alone in a corner somewhere.

Fuck this shit k? I really do not know WHAT is happening to me. ARGH!!!!! Fuck it!

Einstein's Cookie

I like puzzles. Mainly I like to find solutions for every problem. And a little perfectionist also. That is just me. But when I think it over, I actually prefer to dwell in a problem where I'm very sure that there is a solution in the end. If there aren't any solution to the problem, I would probably be very annoyed and perhaps lost in my head. Sore loser eh? I'm human.

But this is real life. It ain't Phit Droid or Sudoku. In life's problem, there is of course a solution. However there is a twist. Is either that the solution brings another problem or it only solves most of the problems but not all of it. God is funny eh? Its like near impossible to make everyone happy. I just have to pick which is the better choice and stay there. Why must it be this way is the question that I hold no answer to. Ask the big guy if you have the chance.

The idea of a happy ending is just a mere dream I suppose. I hate myself being a perfectionists at times. Just keep on trying to make everyone happy. Doesn't matter if I'm not. I remember a dear friend of mine, who somehow manage to see deep in me(true emotions), ask this question when she was telling me her troubles and problems she is having and I did the same thing. It was some time ago, therefore the details it is not accurate. She ask that, why is it that you have such a bigger problem than me, and a serious one, but here you are, on a daily basis, manage to keep on smiling even though you are dying inside? She said that she find it so fake and I should just behave according to what I feel. Brilliant question to ask that actually question my actions. But I simply replied, I believe that no matter how fake my smile is, if it brings happiness for those around me, therefore I will never stop smiling ever again, even if I wanted to cry so badly.

Haha. I still can't believe I said that. It was on top of my head. Believe me, I usually would never say that kind of sissy stuff. Not manly at all. All in all, I see myself that others around me are more important than me despite they are total strangers. Good thing or bad? Feel free to answer either since I also do not have a clear answer. So, I am a pathetic person or a vain hero?

Exams really makes me weirder and dumber. Back to procrastinating then.

Can you cook the Cookie?

Heh.
Can you fight?
Would you?
Even though there isn't any reason to do so?
Its still there
Hidden
Not that deep
That will
to fight
to punch
to kick
Stupid phobia still give me the creepers though
I do wonder what would happen if that incident never occur
Would I be the same?
Or still a bully like last time?
It was easier back then
Yeah yeah
A jack-ass sure
But
It's fun
If that matters
Rambling again
Fuh
Another story reminds me
A guy cheats on the girl
It flashes back again
Must man do that?
Is it that necessary?
Ain't that hard to stay loyal
Is it?

Where is the recipe?

Heh
Need some one to teach me how to emo
stress is piling up as well
stupid exams
least scott pilgrim brighten my day
cool songs and shit
fuh
debates in my head has began
who will win?
i wonder
argh
life is sucky and interesting like that
the curse of choices
one will lead to another
till no end
or till you end
yeah
ending it
why the heck im writing short phrases per line
weird
crap
im doing it again
haha
who cares
screw the grammar
time to scream it out
rock it loud
dont forget to shout
others aren't allowed
lets freak freak out the audience around
hahaha
that ryhmes
me losing my head?
too late eh?
why ppl always view me the same thing?
am i that boring?
since long i can remember
i always been labeled the same barcode
like seriously
do i need to change?
hurm
i wonder would that be nice?
cause lately
everything seems sooo routine
like a freaking robot
HATING IT!!!
like seriously
need something new
something that could catch me off guard
like geting lost in the forest
or the front lawn
doesn't matter
losing interests is a problem apparently
makes me lose focus
total blur for life
WAH!!!
damn long wey!
nyahahaha
try to keep up then
still got meters to go
just stop now
before you turn blind
the demon is writing
reading more will be bad for your life span
the demon has put a spell on these words
every words are read by the reader, a second of the readers life's span shall be taken away
NO JOKE!!!
see how many words now youre reading!
just stop
NOW
.
.
Please
.
.
why are u reading this?
better question here would be
WHY AM I STILL WRITING???
Thanks for wasting your time reading this
it has lead you to absolute boredom
haha
I have a problem
a serious problemas
and yet
i'l take it to the grave
no one will know
none shall find out
sad huh?
not really
sounds more heroic if you as me
probably in denial
nyahahahaha
someone is stalking me
a ninja of the dark
i'm unable to see him
that is so cool huh?
walking around without people seeing you.
bubye

Donut Shaped Cookie

Felt like I just got shot in between my eyes.
The burst of blood rushing upwards naturally to seal the wound
But alas its pointless
The blood drips away
Losing consciousness
Heading towards the light they say

I gave up several important things in life
That meant a lot to me
Which usually helps me to smile when I drown in the sea of troubles
But no more

One would say, I have to stand by my two feet
No friends
No help
No advices
No comforts from those I love

Its saddening
That's for sure
But all this to accomplish something that seems impossible
To reunite them
To bring them back together before they realise that it is a little too late
Why can't they see this?
Why?
Am I and him brings no meaning to you?
Are we just pets that you bought and raised?

I felt no home anymore
I lost that feeling
Even it is fills with smiles and laughter
Occasionally jokes and several intellectual discussions
But it is like something is amiss
Like everything around me seems fake
Fragile
Pointless

It ain't the same
I gave up a lot
To unite you
So that you get along again
Or fight till you do

My journey is tough
One would be able to trace it with my sweat and tears I left behind
Fudge it
Keep on walking even I see the wall right in front
Its the chu-chu train of death

A Haunted Cookie on Halloween

It's happening again.
Repeatedly banging, screaming
How is this possible?
I was confident that it will not happen
All the precaution has been taken
But obviously its a clear failure
All those time, hours and days
All were used to avoid such monstrosity
Now it happening
Headache
Like a meteor shower in the brain
Would I say it is beyond logic?
One would agree
Pathetic and yet it makes me trembles in fear
Not knowing the cause and its effect that it could lead
There I was, standing alone
awkwardly
shaken
dumb-founded
clueless
like Santa Clause at the Sahara on the month of February
sighing wont help
thinking wont help
Doomed? Perhaps.
Not enough good sleep
look like hell too
but
It aint over till its over
journey on till the battery runs out
clarify till I see the clock tick's its final tick
showtime folks
Lets begin the End...

Toy Cookie

It is an interesting talent to hide true feelings from most people. It's very handy to keep people from asking too much question at bay. Surely of course, there will be times that such talent would drag on and on till it confuses you on what or perhaps who are you. Some would say it is a good thing, some would say otherwise. To lose yourself is it a good thing or not? Haha. No clue on this part of the island.

In addition to that inquiry, exams and stress aren't helping much either. Fuh. Annoyance is one thing but seriously, to me, exams is more like a race against time, not a test of knowledge or understanding. If I were given 5 hours or 6 for a paper, I would probably aced it. And please don't tell me that I should practice more writing to increase the speed. Been there, done that. Still more or less the same.

Listening to Paolo Nutini, Candy and Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dani California

Medicine Cookie

Stuck in hospital. Sucky sucky! Didn't even realize I haven't ate a proper meal for three days yo. No wonder felt so tired. Then got admitted to some random hospital cause I fainted. Lucky the person didnt take my wallet ke apa. Thanks Uncle Soh. I'm in debt to you.

Now since my miss 3 days of study time, my life is disarray as we speak. Tomorrow is exam. I cant say I'm well prepared but consider myself doomed. All I had in that hospital was my hand phone. Naturally, I keep it a secret. Especially my parents. I'll die if they found out. So what now? FUDGE LIFEE!!!! Take it like a dream. Whoosh it away.

Crappy Cookie

Crap crap Holy Crap on a Crapper!
Do I look okay?
Are you alright Ali?
Are you having problems? You don't look as usual.

These are the usual questions that people around me kept asking me. I'm not annoyed by it since some of them are sincere bout it but I do get very disappointed by it. There was once upon a time I can pull off a perfect poker face. No one would have the slightest idea of what I was feeling at all. Haih.

My mind is not how it is used to be. I kept getting unfocused and distracted. There are times I think bout every action I did in the past and at times, I do regret bout it, but at times, I don't. Clueless is such a heartless bitch. Don't you agree?

Time doesn't wait for no man. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing? Is it important? Or just pointless? Perhaps I'm just wasting time on all this. Least I know several thing that is definite bout my current situation.

1. I don't trust people anymore. No matter who, no matter what, I always doubt them.
2. I manage to build a cocoon to distant myself from people even though it is so not good for me at ALL
3. Cats still entertains me when I'm down in the dumps.
4. Smoking cigarette is quite tempting for me but not for my wallet. Hahaha.(Cheapskate)
5. I'm obsessed at being alone and away from everyone just to see whether people would take notice or not.(The usual no of course. No surprise there)
6. I really need to learn how to emo and let out my feelings to another human.
   

Cut the damn cookie in half already.

What I'm about to write is true story that is currently happening to me and f**king affect me in ways I would never anticipated.
It came to my attention that with enough suspicion and a few evidence thanks to my "friends" in Shah Alam, my dad(who I do adore a lot and respect) is cheating with his secretary.

Firstly, he is the one that greatly remind me that trust is important and never cheat on your girlfriend and future wife. I take that seriously. Main reason why I hate those who cheat. At least have the guts to confront it like a man or a woman you are. Why must you hide. F**king dumb ass

Secondly, since it is a freaking norm that guys do cheat, it happens to young adults and teenagers. Not a 22 happily married couple you stupid liar. Why the heck you wanna do that huh? Numskull buffoon. Do you even slightly use that so called brain that claim a freaking masters degree huh?

I can ramble whole night bout this but seriously tell me. If i am a third party who is comparing looks between my mother and the other woman, my own mother beat her hands down. I'm not even being racist on this shit. Even though I am a little. But come on! OPEN YOUR EYES!!!

Argh!!!! My life is a mess. Exam coming up. Assignment due. Life is messed up. I'm freaking lost. Don't know what to do already. Don't know who to turn for help. Like anyone could anyway. Haih. I'm so tired of this. I do not know what to do. I can believe I am saying this but yes. I need help and guidance. Please...

Underwater Cookie

As I was swimming across what i taught was the end,
I realise my knees is shackled and bolted with steel as hot as fire.
There I was, beginning to question the end
As it would seems, I was conscious but everything was pitch black.
Something has happen or atleast I would say, something triggered within me.
I would explain it in words and yet the words escapes me.
I wonder what power is this.

Fear?
Realisation?
Weakness?

For some very awkward reason, that feeling attract me more and more
Its possible Im addicted.
Addicted to be that close to death.
Amazed I question myself
What is wrong with me?
What is happening to me.

Im starting to lose my sight and goals.
I already lost the unique and magnificent confidence I had. That very same confidence that Im on top of my game.
And now I couldn't even find the dice.

Questions after questions roll down in my head like a tsunami
The usual choice of running isn't an option anymore
Time to know whether I could swim or die.
Alone.

Sad eh? Fudge this shit. I need chocolate!

Random Munch of An Old Dusty Cookie

Jeng Jeng. Me back here folks. Probably to stay, probably should go. Clueless and confuse. Total misdirect on my current life with total obliviousness. Need a break. A good long one. Crapping up as I type. Wandering what might the lonely night will leave me with. Shouldering upon nothing but guts and dream, marching on towards the darkness. Wishing upon greatness and miracles of those who traveled the road not taken. Hahaha... Some poetry there eh? Who are thy to question of talents? (WTW???) hahaha.












Evil Mr.Bean FTW!!!

Youre Goin Down like a Cookie

In a total wreck...finally i flunk 2 subjects this year...haih...owh well, time to hit the books on a 24/7 basis. Cwap... This is something i wont post on facebook. I was involved in a fight last few days ago with two men. 2 Chinese fellow, mid 20's. I went berserk on them. God knows why. Owh. By the way, they were robbers. I was quite sure 1 of them wont be able to stand up or masturbate for atleast 2 month while the other, broken arm and a trip to the dentist for the year. It was an adrenaline nightmare. But, the smirk on my face when I was done showed that I purely enjoy it. I think Im losing myself. I did apologise to them when the cops came but I doubt they think I was sincere. My ribs hurt and so does my head and shoulder. Luckily no longer bleeding. Lucky shot eh? It seems I cant forget the memory of me in Rage Mode. Need to pray more. Bye...

Cookie Jar

Here we go. Exams are over, emotional unstable still lingers, guilt trip from parents haven't started. Result here is, more unstable emotions due to parents and my top notch failure at exams. Job well done. Broke as hell btw, so there wont be me travelling to clear my head for once. Doing constant exercise is a routine to get back in shape and stamina. On the side note, my mind still wanders at the past, longing for the memories once embraced by me as high as sky no matter good memories or a embarrassing ones. Yeah. Its still there. Still thinking bout her.... What a way to spend my holidays. Need help from Tristana Milena and Orlando Heath.

Bye Bye Cookie

Got ROBBED!!! No more laptop...Bastards m..th..rfu..ker! My laptop is gone, my money is gone. Im psychologically unstable currently, slept for freaking 2 days till my housemates got all worried and shit. What good friends I have eh? Owh yeah, im having exam later. like in 5 hours? hahahaha... Im f..ck..d! My laptop got robbed is how show to my mum Happy Mother's Day. What a son eh? Taadaa!

Cookie for Dessert

By the way, I would like to thank Tristana Milena for being with me and some how manage to pull me out from the dumps... Eventhough she wasnt helping much at all. Hahaha... But then again, it is comforting for me that there are people out there, not just Tristana Milena, that are willing to pick me up when I reach rock bottom eventhough my original choice were to stay rock bottom alone. Taadaa and Bazingga! Muahahahaha.

Choking on a Cookie

I wonder...Why did I react that way... Was it dumb of me or did I just had to do it just because my feelings for her still lingers strongly...? It greatly affects me when ever there is room for my brain to think about the past... Some would say that asking those who understands you would help get over this hurdle or atleast ease the pain. I personally however doubt it. No matter how much a single person understands me, none could help as there are no answer, no alternatives, no help. Here i am, thinking, deeply whether is it just me or is she not fine at all? Meh. To think such trivial matters wont do me much good. There are no way of turning back, she is completely done with me. As for me, I dont feel sad about it at all. Neither im happy with it ofcourse. It is just a blank. Like my head during the Consti exam. Man that sucks.

Rotting Cookie

Nothing much...By the way, i still remember Arabella.

Cookie Cavity

What is it now? I have enough people telling me what to do. Do I look like Im that in need of help? Or atleast try to be more secretive or discreet about it? Posting like dat and telling people what you want me to do is just a nightmare. If u insist on doing as such, fine. But not in the eyes of the public please! Just seeing me being single doesn't mean i want to be together with another one! So shut it, back off, and leave me ALONE!!! Right now, I prefer to be left as it is. Since you're my father, just do it by email if you are STUBBORN in wanting me to "be-friend" another homosapien. Btw, life sucks. Dont give a crap much currently. Least i get to see my blood again. I miss da pain. Ciow

Can I Make My Own Cookie?

Highly doubtful. Grateful? Very very much. But Im very reluctant... To turn back to you and to move on... I do miss her...Really do... There is no way I could throw away 2 years just like that. Also made very good memories along the way. And there are times on my phone, as i finish typing, i never had the courage to press send. Not even once. U said I deserved better than you. I dont think so. In every fight, im the one who messed up, screws up, hurted you, made you you unhappy, depressed, angry, fed-up and so on. I could go all day with this and you know its true. So yeah, just proves that im no where even near to deserve you. So, nevermind. I shall leave you alone. No more stalking youre blog. That is all. Millions of words are running in my head but I couldnt catch it all. Oblivious as always.

Small Portion of a Cookie

Latest news ladies and gentleman, i flunk my contract law by a close margin... 7 out of 40... Haih...What i am goin to do... This is very very bad... Everything is bad lately... Additionally, I too wonder if i go back to her, things will be back as usual...I keep thinking and thinking bout the good times i do had with her and more forgetting the others... But i couldnt... Whats done is done... Im certain that she deserves better than whatever I am... Furthermore, with sad news, my parents are trying to get me to "be friend" with this girl they meet. They however fail to notice that i just want to be alone rite now...Atleast unattached...Heck, if i do like her anyway, i still want not to be a couple for the time being...Lets just put it as a bad time to do so...Haih...

Hunger for that Cookie

Things are over...And yet i still look back eventho i cant turn the wheels of time. Some say i did a stupid thing. Some beg to differ. But what matters is that it is da past. And yet, this foreseable future is beyong what i anticipated. Is dis good? or is it bad? I dont know anymore. I have completely lost it. No sense of direction what so ever. And yet, i still havent scream for help. I still maintain that im alrite. True. There are a few times i do feel alrite. But reality kick me back to realise i cant just make myself ignore or forget the wonderful times i had...Haih...Why i kept on crying...I want to be strong for god sake...To stand again...Here is the choice in mind... Continue on or talk? Help me decide then. I want the answer

Where is the Cookie?

Perhaps i lost my way...
Or its just an illusion within my brain...
Should i reconsider?
Or none of the above.
Exam is coming.
And yet i failed dis small test.
Was i unprepared?
Should i anticipate it to be coming at end after so long?
Shud i let it go or is it here to stay once more?
Questions and questions
Begin to flood like a river
And yet its sunshine here
Think im goin nuts here
Mumble and rumble
Beginning to tumble like a small thimble?
Told you
Not making sense
But im thankful
My best people is searching hard
Very hard indeed
Hope they do find it soon
Im lost without it
Thanks people
Owe u guys and girls big time

Where is the recipe for the Cookie?

Exam week. Basically its a norm to for every students around the world where some would be ready for it, some even look forward to it, others will be panicking about it and few will just plan to cheat or ignore the whole thing. Usually, I would have a few textbook running up to my nose. But not this exam week. I still wonder why. Im quite sure Im not being overconfident in this. Usually, around 2 weeks before, i have around a few stacks of paper containing my own handwriting, mostly researching about the upcoming exam. So that when there are a few days left, I would be enjoying myself instead of studying since im very much prepared. Well got to go now, got to study.

Rotten Cookie

Haih... I didnt ask for a fight neither wanting it... I didnt ask to have work to be done and felt tired the whole day... But that is reality... Im fighting and im tired... Let me clarify this before assumptions is made... Im not tired of her... Im only tired physically, and tired of fightin and tired of 1 word reply... Ofcourse, i shall not be one sided saying im not guilty at all... I too have my own faults that perhaps outweight from hers... How i wish that i could just not repeat the same mistake over and over again... It would be an honour and a pleasure to do what she asked and fully satisfied what ever she needs from the smallest of things to the grandest agenda of time... What she asked from me today that leads to this fight is a small request, and there is no question about that... And i am sorry for not be able to fulfill such request... Perhaps i could not justify it, neither intends to do so, but i admit its my fault... But hear me out, its not like i do not want to wake up, or im doin it on purpose... im tired... dats the end to it... haih... please not fight bout dis... not even an hour, or a day...especially for a week...

A hungry Cookie

Cant help it today... I just ate and yet im hungry now... Sad...

Smart Cookie

I'm not the smartest out there even when people do comment im above average. But im not stupid as well even when i tried so hard to deceive people by being idiotic. But apart from that, i just cant solve matters that doesnt relate to each other and yet claims to be a perfectly related on both. Argh!!!! Should be deeply puzzled or let my emotions go wild and be f##king angry bout it??? Contemplating between these choices and others which i shall not mention here is simply mind-bogling...