Relapse Cookie

I don't like it anymore. The same things. Every single day. Wake up, go class, go back. Mix some with work, assignment, sleep and etc. Nothing surprises me anymore. Same only. Need to get out of here. I'm to used having a car. Or at least drive. I miss driving. Not just my car. ANY car would be fine. And yes. I miss having friends that always have randomness in their head or at least entertains me whenever I'm with them. Tried football and basketball the other day. It was okay. Rainy season is not good for my health. Been sick. Showering in the rain of course. My bad. I am actually alone most of the time. On purpose. Just get away from people. Is that bad? Dunno oso lar. Its good anyway. I could focus on study. Not there is anything else to do pun.

An emotionaly disturbed cookie

Point there. Not that this is what I was feeling. It was what I was thinking when I think of the old me. Trying to be who I really am? Sounds logical. No arguments there. But like I said. Just thinking bout the past. Something to ramble and to purge out from my system. I would say that now I'm a total different man. Still an optimist though. But no more dreams, hopes or anything unreal. Except God of course. Other than that, I believe it when I see it. I think what I want to think.

But everyone knows that I have a problem to react according to my own emotions.
When I'm angry, I might laugh
When I'm happy, I might cry
When I'm emo, I do not know how to do that.
So it's a little hard for me to do that. I find it amazing that they can just laugh when they feel like it, curse to others cause they are angry and simply cry because something terrible has happened. To be honest, something did happen. A family member of mine passed away. We aren't close but he is just 2 year older than me. Engaged and successful. It strike me in a way I do not understand.I mean, I'm just lost at words right now. I even began to wander around, walking with umbrella on my hand, journey past the rain, to absolute no where. Thinking if I actually die right now, in this minute, would anyone be genuinely sad or care? True that if i die, I die alone. I just do not know what I'm thinking now. Just at a dark dark place right now. How did I even get here in the 1st place? Did the things happening around me changes me? I do not remember being angry all the time. I do not remember the time where I always be with my close friends and not alone in a corner somewhere.

Fuck this shit k? I really do not know WHAT is happening to me. ARGH!!!!! Fuck it!

Einstein's Cookie

I like puzzles. Mainly I like to find solutions for every problem. And a little perfectionist also. That is just me. But when I think it over, I actually prefer to dwell in a problem where I'm very sure that there is a solution in the end. If there aren't any solution to the problem, I would probably be very annoyed and perhaps lost in my head. Sore loser eh? I'm human.

But this is real life. It ain't Phit Droid or Sudoku. In life's problem, there is of course a solution. However there is a twist. Is either that the solution brings another problem or it only solves most of the problems but not all of it. God is funny eh? Its like near impossible to make everyone happy. I just have to pick which is the better choice and stay there. Why must it be this way is the question that I hold no answer to. Ask the big guy if you have the chance.

The idea of a happy ending is just a mere dream I suppose. I hate myself being a perfectionists at times. Just keep on trying to make everyone happy. Doesn't matter if I'm not. I remember a dear friend of mine, who somehow manage to see deep in me(true emotions), ask this question when she was telling me her troubles and problems she is having and I did the same thing. It was some time ago, therefore the details it is not accurate. She ask that, why is it that you have such a bigger problem than me, and a serious one, but here you are, on a daily basis, manage to keep on smiling even though you are dying inside? She said that she find it so fake and I should just behave according to what I feel. Brilliant question to ask that actually question my actions. But I simply replied, I believe that no matter how fake my smile is, if it brings happiness for those around me, therefore I will never stop smiling ever again, even if I wanted to cry so badly.

Haha. I still can't believe I said that. It was on top of my head. Believe me, I usually would never say that kind of sissy stuff. Not manly at all. All in all, I see myself that others around me are more important than me despite they are total strangers. Good thing or bad? Feel free to answer either since I also do not have a clear answer. So, I am a pathetic person or a vain hero?

Exams really makes me weirder and dumber. Back to procrastinating then.