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Crap crap Holy Crap on a Crapper!
Do I look okay?
Are you alright Ali?
Are you having problems? You don't look as usual.
These are the usual questions that people around me kept asking me. I'm not annoyed by it since some of them are sincere bout it but I do get very disappointed by it. There was once upon a time I can pull off a perfect poker face. No one would have the slightest idea of what I was feeling at all. Haih.
My mind is not how it is used to be. I kept getting unfocused and distracted. There are times I think bout every action I did in the past and at times, I do regret bout it, but at times, I don't. Clueless is such a heartless bitch. Don't you agree?
Time doesn't wait for no man. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing? Is it important? Or just pointless? Perhaps I'm just wasting time on all this. Least I know several thing that is definite bout my current situation.
- I don't trust people anymore. No matter who, no matter what, I always doubt them.
- I manage to build a cocoon to distant myself from people even though it is so not good for me at ALL
- Cats still entertains me when I'm down in the dumps.
- Smoking cigarette is quite tempting for me but not for my wallet. Hahaha.(Cheapskate)
- I'm obsessed at being alone and away from everyone just to see whether people would take notice or not.(The usual no of course. No surprise there)
- I really need to learn how to emo and let out my feelings to another human.
What I'm about to write is true story that is currently happening to me and f**king affect me in ways I would never anticipated.
It came to my attention that with enough suspicion and a few evidence thanks to my "friends" in Shah Alam, my dad(who I do adore a lot and respect) is cheating with his secretary.
Firstly, he is the one that greatly remind me that trust is important and never cheat on your girlfriend and future wife. I take that seriously. Main reason why I hate those who cheat. At least have the guts to confront it like a man or a woman you are. Why must you hide. F**king dumb ass
Secondly, since it is a freaking norm that guys do cheat, it happens to young adults and teenagers. Not a 22 happily married couple you stupid liar. Why the heck you wanna do that huh? Numskull buffoon. Do you even slightly use that so called brain that claim a freaking masters degree huh?
I can ramble whole night bout this but seriously tell me. If i am a third party who is comparing looks between my mother and the other woman, my own mother beat her hands down. I'm not even being racist on this shit. Even though I am a little. But come on! OPEN YOUR EYES!!!
Argh!!!! My life is a mess. Exam coming up. Assignment due. Life is messed up. I'm freaking lost. Don't know what to do already. Don't know who to turn for help. Like anyone could anyway. Haih. I'm so tired of this. I do not know what to do. I can believe I am saying this but yes. I need help and guidance. Please...
As I was swimming across what i taught was the end,
I realise my knees is shackled and bolted with steel as hot as fire.
There I was, beginning to question the end
As it would seems, I was conscious but everything was pitch black.
Something has happen or atleast I would say, something triggered within me.
I would explain it in words and yet the words escapes me.
I wonder what power is this.
Fear?
Realisation?
Weakness?
For some very awkward reason, that feeling attract me more and more
Its possible Im addicted.
Addicted to be that close to death.
Amazed I question myself
What is wrong with me?
What is happening to me.
Im starting to lose my sight and goals.
I already lost the unique and magnificent confidence I had. That very same confidence that Im on top of my game.
And now I couldn't even find the dice.
Questions after questions roll down in my head like a tsunami
The usual choice of running isn't an option anymore
Time to know whether I could swim or die.
Alone.
Sad eh? Fudge this shit. I need chocolate!
