hurt

back to da usual nw. things been great. then things went bad wit da circle of life. Then, dis text show up out of nowhere. puts me in shock and all. dont know how to react to dis.

"Go ahead la to girls. I hv no feelings towards ur actions with others da"

by all means, i kinda lied when i say i feel hurt a bit to her when she said dat. it actually hurt a LOT!. no matter wat, its da truth from her side. not blaming her pun. but it gives me a few other thoughts. a really negative wan indeed. hope wat im thinkin dont turn out to be smthg real. dat certainly would suck. but if its meant to be, i just got to accept it, no matter how painful it is.

haih.

wrote it, read it, blog it... such stupidity in short

dont ask, dont know, dont care. unsure what did i do for the past few days, but it doesnt matter. lifeless to the bone. some weird freak i am.....


congrats ali... u manage to create hell within ureself in just 1 nite. fucking awesome

(empty)

(EMPTY)

Am I? Really?

today is my last nite here in this wretched place. Tmr morning, i shall move towards an even fuurther wretched place. However, today is an interesting day. I did dis planting mangrove seedling today wit my co workers. uite a sudden wake up call i mite add. play wit mud a lil. met sum new people. know new things bout those im aquainted beforehand. Much interesting. But alas, for every beginning, there is an ending. And for me, its an bitter ending indeed compare to the wonderful beginning.

Today, even my body is battered and depleted of stamia, its my last day at work. Before work, i took the time to enjoy watchin tv. Distracted by it, i wasnt aware of my phone being left in da room. Yes. Its truthfully my fault. And somehow along da way, we fought. Oblivious as i am, i do not know da reason to it. It goes on and on. I try to stay calm and fought hard to understand her better why she is being like dis. Why does she just hm. Its annoying. Terribly annoying. I just put up wit it. And then poof. No more replies.. Sadness lingers even when i try to pursue her to reply my texts. All hopes abandon. Honestly, its da very time i need her da most. If i were not trying to calm my selfishness, i would have her forced to see me dat very moment.

I just cant believe she just left like dat. Perhaps its my fault after all. But to leave me in time of need is just plain cruel. Cant believe dat at this moment of typing this very words, teardrops are running thru my cheeks. Regardless, i manage to pull myself together 1 last time and text her again. She wipe me off saying she wanted to sleep. It felt like a bullet when thru and im not overeactin. Its just dat, im leaving tmr but there are no one to forbid me farewell. How lonely i have to be in dis world? True dat i always mentally prepared dat to die, u are alone no matter what. But does that mean im living alone as well?

Its also true dat a large part of my life, im always felt alone. Cruel as u say, i learned to adapt. Then she came to my life, brings me all sorts of joy, sadness, and new experience to my life. I forgotten to be lonely. Guess dats why i felt da big impact of it. Nah, who am i kidding. She got other stuffs on her mind. Im just a boyfriend as she said. And dats true. Maybe im just very very selfish to ask dat much? Owh well, time to put dat idiotic smile and try to look happy for my parents. dats all i guess. Other than dat, i just had a simple bye from my co workers. As usual of course. Why else i always say im lonely at work. other than dat, i know its my fault to blame for wanting too much. end.

cravings..

i miss her... even when we are in an open relationship rite nw...

cookie snacks!

good news, i really like david garrett songs currently. all clasical and orchestra thingin.. kinda addicted to it 4 nw. i did enjoy around 49 episodes of "scenes from the hat game" in Whose Line Is It Anyway in youtube. haha. hilarious stuff i mite add.

problems sleeping again? not really. its a problem dat can be solve when i want to, soo its not a problem i guess??? manage to do sit ups till 50 cause da fatness of my tummy is gettin out of shape?? Argh!!!! least im not fat..

yes Arabella Lilianna. im NOT FAT!!!!! hahaha... she thinks im fat?? me? fat? no way yo. not goin to happen and never happen b4.

but its kinda strange that its gettin bigger even when i eat less.. (fyi, eating less in dis context means da ammount of food im eating is lessen, not the ammount i ate in a day). owh well, just need to stay in shape je.

i guess dats all 4 nw. chears to all...

the cookie jar is missing???

i cant believe it myself. i am currently feelin under preasure with da things around me. actually, to be honest, im not sure why im feelin presured in da 1st place. list of probable reason is too long to list out anyway. it just seems all confusing, mind boggling, simply terrifying.

haih. my rough probability of reasons why this is happening is down to 2 theory. 1, im worrying bout all da things thats goin to change drastically in da near future including Arabella Lilianna, and so on. 2, mite be da possibility of the sudden fast pace of rush to further my studies.

I have to be honest, large part of me is emotionally unstable, filled with unnecessary anger, and da smaller part is probably hurting myself aka death.. Gee.. wat bad drama script. ;p

for now i still turn to god and keepin my daily pray without miss and hopefully Arabella Lilianna could help me out a bit... but dat would be selfish since she has her own probs. i think??

second thoughts..?

why bother...

one BAD cookie.?

literally, no one would understand. Symbolically however, 1 person might. Even when its so late, it literally is so early.

no cookies today. da KITCHEN is closed...

guess its just not my day today. maybe i expect things too much? or maybe its my fault? haih. i have a bad feelin bout wats goin to happen in da near future.

secret recipe for today is???

i havent showered since 1am of 2nd June 2009. Muahahaha!!!

peanut butter cookie?

i manage to run even faster today. dat was 1.8 seconds faster compared to last week. its good, but not as fast as i was last time. haha. i was quite fast in high school. reason i was running cause i had a good long sleep. got lots of time. get to clear and plan several things in my head. dat will be certainly amusing when da plan is executed to him. others were normal i guess. why i else im blogging nw rite? dats because Arabella Lilianna is being buzy. Again. haih. well, not her fault pun. she is bz bz. sumtimes even too bz for herself. evenmore 4 me. well, just got to accept dat fact. other than dat, she still stubborn and refuse to tell a thing bout wats she's doin. incredibly annoying. always ntah. haih. i mite be able to force, but i dont want that. prefer she tells a bit bit by her own. but, i cant help it dat im having dis feelin where she's gettin away from me despite da fact we r closer together nowadays. ntah lar. overthinkin is both my talent and my weakness. i mite go crazy wit dis. or perhaps im already crazy to begin with? hahaha.. dats because i am CRAZY!!! hahaha.